Are You Still Out There?

Apparently, I've had a complete change in my protocol and did not tell you about it.  What was I doing you ask?  Since September I was ~

Wallowing in self pity (again)
Eating everything that isn't nailed down
Gaining weight
Feeling unsure of every decision I make for Xavier
Trying to do frivolous stuff so I can avoid the most important things
Not falling asleep because I usually don't accomplish my goals (this hurts)

You already know my immediate joy upon the point at which I thought my life was going to be the greatest. (anti-candida protocol) Which after a year was followed by despair, and the realization that I basically spent the rest of our money for the year, and now had Diflucan and Nystatin resistant yeast. What Doesn't Kill them Makes Them Stronger.

Now what?

I'm broke, over run by yeast on crack......not having bowel movements for weeks at a time, and moving between the worlds of giving up completely and just living the rest of my life sick, with sick kids, in a sick world.  And sometimes, when I felt better, I would make vows to myself about the things I could change in an effort to obtain supreme well being.

In September I saw a professional again.  This time with no expectations.  I just needed more answers....better answers.  I'll admit,  nailing down the cause of me staying in my home for over 2 years was a pretty big deal at the time, but that passed, and I began sitting next to people again.  I needed more this time.  As I write this, I still need more.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I want the diabetes-insulin method.  You have something, here is what you need to make it go away complete with MSI coverage, clinics, support from the community and friends etc.   I don't want diabetes, but you get the drift.

My new protocol consists of
Hot water, lemon in Cayenne first thing in the morning
Pau D'arco all day and
Candida IF after supper, which is basically benonite clay, and flax seed

I had joked around saying that I wish there was something I could take to just seal the holes in my gut.  Well this is it.  I should probably be on the Paleo diet, although I will go through the beginning stages of GAPS with Xavier so I can gauge how he feels.  Plus I need to drop a lot of weight and a sugar free (including fruit) detox is probably what I need to get a head start on the yeast that have all but eaten away at my face.  I get very very angry when people talk about a sugar free diet, or detox.  You have no fucking idea what sugar free really is until you have been on the strict version of the Anti Candida diet.

So that's that.  I know you are out there.  Succeeding...not succeeding.....reading this blog in tears or laughter.  Whatever stage you are at, or where ever you are today....just begin.  I also need some probiotcs.  Still have the Dr. Ohirra's, and will probably try something else.  How do you make out with the little ones like the Glutamine powder, Oreganol, or Grapefruit Seed extract?  I still have it all and can add or subtract when I choose.

While these extremely open and thorough individuals don't share all the exact same symptoms, I find great use sifting through their blogs or following them on Pinterest.

How to improve your Gut by Kris Carr
A Gutsy Girl who surprisingly offers a lot of info about things even if you are not on the GAPS diet.
You can browse my 'Healthy' board on Pinterest to find ways to include probiotics in your day, make Kombucha, start sprouting etc.  My Paleo, Rise and Shine and GAPS boards could give you an idea of what it's like to ditch the refined sugar and grains.  Oh yeah.....I was allowed to eat oats and brown rice on the Ant Candida diet, which I don't think was beneficial.  I don't think I should have ever put myself through anything this severe and restricted without a lifetime guarantee :).

And this little GEM on the tools you need to create a real foods kitchen......GOD I wish I had seen this six years ago.  I think that's it.

Tired

I'm tired again.

If you've stuck with me and haven't managed to put a bullet through your brain after reading my entire blog, you already know why.  

I guess it comes down to a simple choice.....

Get Busy Living, or Get Busy Dying. 

Cleaning Up

This blog is weak.  I removed all of the links and pictures I had used as distractions to keep you reading.  Now they are gone, and all I am left with are my words......and not in that cool minimalist blog fashion where the page is entirely white, and the 2 sentence post leaves you wondering if the writer is incredibly deep, or if you are just not cool enough.  

You can thank Pinterest for the abrupt change.  Everything is over there now.  Follow me and you will have access to all the great riches of the world soup recipes, and free printables.  Oh....and I always have an excuse haven't written because I am not yet over the devastating fact that do not live in America.  Visiting for 6 weeks re-inforced my views on living in Canada and why it is ridiculously harder to do/buy/see/achieve everything in this country.  

A few quick updates:

1.  I have stopped buying boxed cereal. (A BIG step)  

2.  Cow's milk is gone as well :).

3.  I've finally learned to bake with Almond/Coconut Flour

4.  Processed Almond Milk is on it's way out as well due to the carrageenan.  

5.  I've gained 40 pounds, and I', not sure why this font is smaller but I don't have time to deal with it because I'm going to get something to eat.

Living the Dream

I don't think I can write when I am happy.  Is this strange?  I'll try to swallow back the tears as I share my thoughts on our trip to Greenville South Carolina.  Can you believe I was contemplating NOT travelling with David?  Six weeks is far too long for me to be alone with my own children.  I'll keep the details short as i can feel my chest becoming heavy.  Fist of all, Americans have it ninety thousand times more easier than anyone else on this earth......well maybe not mother's in France, and I'm only referring to those with health insurance.  Everyone else is probably dying in a hospital corridor right now.  And this wouldn't be a narcissistic post by me, if I wasn't using my great analogical skills to base all of this on our family's circumstances.

I'm only going to name three stores.  Whole Foods, Earth Fare, and Trader Joe's.  These three places alone, give me sanity.  Could you imagine needing toothpaste and actually driving for five minutes to purchase it?  This covered everything we place in/on our bodies.  I'm not going to even get into the cost of living.  We could afford a home if we moved here, and the price of clothing is ridonculous.  You don't even need to wait for a sale!  I mean, sure there's the whole part about people that look like our family does, and clothing geared toward women not throwing their food up in baggies then hiding them in a closet.   Affordable sports with professional coaches, oh dear.....I must simply swap these woes and begin life in the present.  We are here.  We are not in South Carolina. Learn to deal.  

The Results Are In

...Rashawn, you are NOT the father. If you are reading this, and are interested, you probably already know this stuff, and are shaking your head wondering why I'm just beginning????  On paper, Heidi Ship is a Registered Massage Therapist.  In reality, she just happens to know a hell of a lot of stuff.   This was the last (and most anticipated) stop.  One of the main reasons was her spin on Applied Kinesiology.  We had this done in New Brunswick, and Truro, however, Xavier was being tested for foods/allergens he should not be ingesting/exposed to.  This was fine I suppose.  Not much of a surprise as he already suffered from seasonal allergies, and it really is a no brainer when it comes to what human beings and children with Autism should be eating.  I had never thought of using this type of testing to find out if what we had/or were already doing was suffice with regards to supplements.


She is thorough, and not for patients who aren't serious.  I loaded up a Boot box full of every supplement I had purchased.  When I saw them all shoved in the box, I just saw $$$$.  So much trial and error without knowing if what I was doing was even correct.  I tried, I really did....or at least I thought I did.  So the results were pretty great.  I'm happy to be ditching Xavier's Multi-Vitamin (contrary to what most doctors will suggest) as well as the Methyl B12 injections.   The supplements we are left with are not surprising.  We already had 7 of them and only needed to purchase three.


CytoFlora 
Magnesium Sulfate Cream 
Max Stress B - This tested extremely well
Pure Encapsulations B12 Liquid
Nutra Sea +D
CoQ10 - 100-120 mg daily
Colostrum Powder
Mineral Ascorbate - Avive Naturals
Whey Protein 4 times a week  - We got this from Signature Supplements without any gross additives, and at a fraction of the regular cost.
Flaxseed Oil

There you have it.  The GAPS Diet, along with the above supplements and peace of mind.  I cannot tell you how much relief I have now that I know I am not wasting money.  Not to say this isn't going to be costly or a complete pain in the ass :).  This is the only time I think I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience of a restricted diet.  It makes GAPS seem like a walk in the park.  The only difference is that I could go hungry if nothing was prepared.....Xavier cannot.  Initially I will be in overdrive trying to stay ahead and make sure he always has snacks, and breakfasts.  He is such a great kid....asking me if he was still allowed to drink water on this diet!  Never protesting and fully understanding it is all to benefit his health.  I am going into this chapter much more happier and curious, instead of bitter, and resentful.  {Wish us luck}

Getting it Right (This Time)

So here's what happens when you are thinking, acting, living, eating.....five years in advance.  You go to websites where they promote dairy, grains, and low fat options.  I believe this is one of the reasons people tend to underestimate my level of exhaustion/confusion.  They think it's all as simple as buying a loaf of whole wheat bread off the shelf, and drinking 1% milk.  WRONG.


There are websites to gather information.....I'm not a complete moron.  However, preparing meals to suit people on a Gluten Free Anti Candida Specific Carbohydrate Diet GAPS Diet has it's challenges.  Oh wait...I forgot to tell you about the new diet.  And no...I will definitely complain every chance I get am not going to spend months complaining about the effort and associated costs.  I tried this before and it didn't work.


We finally got to see Heidi Ship.  I suppose this would all make sense if I updated more, and mentioned the professionals Xavier has been seeing since we parted ways with Dr. LaValley.  Wait...hold up...parted?  Well 'ran out of money' would be more accurate. Besides.... I spent so much time bitching and whining on this blog that before I knew it, 8 months had passed and it was time for me to rejoin society and start binging eating once more.   More on this later.....and one more thing.  I really need to start giving myself more credit and stop putting so much faith in everyone else.  Yes, the people I credit for Xavier's health are fantastic, but they are not everything.  I matter.  My decisions and actions count.  Every single step of this recovery process was ignited by me.  The first time I felt like a group of professionals just fell into my lap was last year.  Okay....enough of that.  Can you tell I haven't written for ages, and am now trying to eloquently combine three or ten thousand thoughts?

So Dr. Chernin was our first stop.. I am not going to go into detail about the what's, how's or why's.  She facilitates the emergence, maturation, and integration process of his primary reflex motor patterns, otherwise practiced as the Masgutova Method.  Great fit, results, gains, always leave feeling like I had grown as a parent, wife, woman.....general motivated individual.  Great...let's move on.  I had researched Autism and how Manipulative therapy could help.  I knew this was something that could benefit Xavier.  I also knew that very few doctors in this province would understand how the two connect.  I erased the thought from my mind until Dr. Chernin suggested we visit Heather MacAuley (former owner of Burnside Physio) for a tune up.  She called me at home....we spoke for almost two hours.  This woman gets it.  I was willing to pay just to meet her in person!  So we had our visit (just one) ya hurd me....ONE appointment.  Continuing on the yellow brick road we ventured into the office of Brian Sutherland (Xavier's favorite) for some Craniosacral work.  I believe we saw him four times.  I'm actually going for treatments myself as I had witnessed Xavier's transformation after just two sessions.  Again, he is brilliant and gets the job done.  The last stop is to visit Oz  (also known as Heidi Ship) to have all questions answered.....next time on Maury more on the 'results' tomorrow :).

Where Am I Going With This?

I wanted this blog to be more.....more than my day to day ramblings.  I wanted it to be something that everyone had to read the moment they awoke.  Did you think I was just writing for writing's sake?  Even though I so blatantly lied and said I write for the sake of writing?  I wanted something to change for my readers...anything....their life, perspective, a dress size.  Is this arrogance?..... Does this blog accurately represent me?

Let me back up.  I was going to finish a post I have already saved 17 times.  Starting now, if I cannot finish it in 10 minutes, I'm not clicking publish.  Anyway. I should probably wite that above somewhere so you don't wonder why sentences just stop mid-way.

It's Okay

We find it hard to change....hard to break out of the same ol' routine....even though each and every day all anyone really does is complain about the same ol' routine.  When we were too lazy to fix the problem that caused a message to continually pop up Explorer was giving us too much trouble, Google Chrome was there to save the day.  I hated it.  Was everything easier?  Yes.  However, I resisted the change like a little child.  This was one of the first things Xavier's therapists worked on when he was three (Repetitive behavior, and Resistance to change).  Those were some of the most unbearable times in our lives, but now that I think of it....I'm really not that different.  

As adults, we think we have so much power over everything.  Always in full control and can shift easily.  The truth is...we really do the same shit over and over again and are never really faced with any major reasons to change.  Ask a woman whose had her favorite shade of lipstick discontinued how she feels.  I bet the story will be comparable to that of Gone with the Wind.  Or how about the road you take to work everyday being closed for street repairs, or starting a new diet.  As long as things remain the same people are content.  


I have struggled with changing while maintaining some sort of inner peace.  Getting better, but still trying everyday.  Reading Don't Sweat the Small Stuff really helped. It just makes sense.  I don't know who this 'new' me is....or where she is going, but I know that I like her a heck of a lot better than worried/frantic/panicking the 'old' me.  I thought I would make some big declaration of this bold new chapter in my life.  Instead I'll let the words slip as they choose.  

Clean Sweep

Soooooo....look who came crawling back to Blogger after months of storing topics in her head, and making empty promises of writing.  Do you know that I love writing?  Wouldn't think so, but I do.  A month ago I told myself that I would, at the very least, write about the facts, and topics that came effortless to discuss.  Then what?  Nothing.  I actually waste an insane amount of time thinking.  Want to know something else?  I'm done.  Here is a comprised list of the things I am done with:

Thinking about how bad things are

Worrying about money

Supplements and the lack thereof

This diet

Any treatment that does not address underlying conditions

Feeling like I need to belong to some sort of Autism community

Chemical Sensitivity

Resentment and Anger

Not to shabby for one moment of clarity eh?  I'm kind of going to pretend this stuff never existed in my life and sweep in under the rug.  Don't worry.....I kept my sense of humor, but I'm unloading some baggage before 2012.  Oh....and I've been grateful and less pessimistic lately.....and no I did not accept Jesus Christ as my savior or anything over the holidays.  Just embracing the present.

Living

No longer do I feel like an extra on the tv show The Walking Dead. I go everywhere and do anything I want to.  I finally, FINALLY reached that moment of bliss where you don't need to think of steps and preparation as I am beginning to forget the whole thing ever happened.  It feels like that very moment before you drift asleep.  I have a calmnesswhich is now accompanying me everywhere!  

Again, I had to stop comparing myself/situation to others, and make peace within the moment.  Walking around with that much anger, and resentment just made this whole process harder.  In addition, I found a physician who is treating myself and my son.  She is totally on the Change Your Brain train and has helped me get over a number of bumps.  

I know it's past the 6 month mark, and I still need to work on 1 item, but this Christmas I will be upright, visiting family, and baking cookies with my children because.....

I AM HAPPY, HEALTHY, and CALM

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I peed myself today.  This hasn't happened in a long time.  Laughing so hard you pee yourself is the best/worst feeling.  The feeling after you have the best laugh/cry is amazing.  For those who haven't experienced this...I suggest you do.    If you find someone that can make you laugh like this....keep them.  Every night and every day David and I keep each other in stitches.  A few months back we spontaneously acted out a skit (something you would see on Mad TV) about how easy it would be to conceive a child with either of us.  He was the inseminator, and I was Queen Bee.  Anyway, I won't go into the details of how/why we even thought of it, as the point was that laughter surrounds us.  Today was no different.

I woke up briefly at 2:25, 3:04, 4:14, 5:12, 5:15, 5:30,  at 6:30....stumbled out of bed and walked upstairs.  I saw the space heater we recently purchased for 29.99 at Giant Tiger, on the floor plugged in to an extension cord.  It's too early to figure out why it was there, and where that ex. cord came from???  Instead of starting the morning routine, I just stood there wondering.  And then it hit me.  David has a broken air vent in his 2008 98 Topaz, so he used the plug outside the house duplex, and warmed up his car.  Remember that previous post when I was acting all uppity?  Guess who's eating humble pie now?  Here comes the uncontrollable howling.... tears.... bent over with stomach pain... banging into the walls laughter.....and this is when I peed myself :).  So it's all fun and games until clean up time or when you forget that you just threw everything in the washing machine but didn't start the cycle and get a whiff of 7 hour old urine.  This is not so funny.  

Better

Goodbye Hilden, Hello Bible Hill

We've moved !!!!!!!! To a deluxe apartment in the sky a three bedroom duplex?  That's right, you heard me......three bedrooms!  Don't get ahead of yourself, you haven't seen the photos yet.  The place is not high end or anything, just has three bedrooms, and lots of storage.   It feels like I just shared the same news a year ago....oh that's right, I did say we moved 12 months ago, and didn't let one post go by where I didn't make reference to that moldy, musty basement.  Well we've still got a damp basement (where we sleep), and have a room where the kids play games while sitting on my beloved Walmart computer chair, a broken rocking chair, and one of those spectator fold up chairs until we can afford a futon rec room.


I haven't decided yet if I am going to unpack and decorate as we will most likely move in September.  While there are kids on the street for the kids to play with, they are not the most desirable.  Listen to me acting all uppity, like my Acadia University hat with holes in it gives me the right to snub others on this street.   Our slum landlord thinks he knows everything and is charge of the repairs around these units.  We have a lot of spots where the floor just turn into a ramp.  I think he believes rust is a finish and falls into the same category as stainless steel.  They really cheaped out with the lighting in here.  Every room is accented with  fixtures that look like this but older, uglier, dirtier, and rustier.

I had big plans to find the most amazing dresser on Kijiji for $20, spray paint it to match the bed I would have already spray painted, and give Nadia the room she deserves.  For now, we're content that she's off the floor and in the bed I purchased for $30.  I still don't have curtains up in her room, or the rec room.....or the kitchen.......Holy shit, I really need to work on the window treatments around here.   Also, now that I think of it.....maybe we aren't much different from the people on this street :).

How to be Joyful

Yes.......I actually need prompts/directions like these ones courtesy of Goddess Leonie. Click here for the free print :).

What's Up With Food?

  

Food.  My nemesis.  It is continually associated with fear, money, weight or time.  Where do I begin?  Alright.  On a positive note, I really enjoy baking, and don't completely hate preparing meals anymore. Over the past three years something changed radically.  Again, this was in conjunction with Xavier's health, my protocol, and the goal to get this family on the 'Whole Foods' train as fast as possible.  I've come a long way.......a really long way.  You know about my childhood, my twisted eating habits....but to add a bit of humor to this post, I will share with you, some of the delectable dishes I made in my humble beginnings.

I used to use take these processed pressed frozen chicken breasts things, throw them in a baking dish

pour a bottle of this sauce......

bake and serve over white minute rice.  No marinating, no spices, no nothing.  Just the sauce and some questionable meat.  I thought my culinary skills were superb and even varied my nightly delights by doing the exact same thing with VH1 Pineapple Sauce. 

For a special occasion, I might place a roast (again in my baking dish).....

Pour a bottle of Seedless Raspberry Jam over it (no seasonings, no searing, nothing)....

and bake.  I wanted to go all out with my sides so I would take a bag of hash browns...

add a tub of sour cream, and 3 cups of cheese.....oh, and bake. I was so proud of myself because I switched my technique to 'adding', instead of 'pouring'.  I knew I was going far now :).  

Boy oh boy, I had that oven on overdrive!  Honestly, I don't know if this was even a recipe, or if it was just something I created......you know all the great chefs create a signature dish right?  Okay, I've been watching too much Master Chef, and Hell's Kitchen. I can only imagine the facial expressions on the lucky people I was feeding.  They were probably wondering why I decided to use the total allotment of dairy for a year, in one meal, and were thankful I decided to use seedless raspberry jam so as not to add insult to injury. The 'cream of' Campbell's soups were also a big staple in every meal other than the ones I just wrote about our apartment.  1 can, whatever meat, minute rice, and some vegetables.  In the years to follow, David let me know that he didn't have the heart to tell me how bad things were.  He said I was just so darn proud of these dishes/myself, that he could not burst my bubble.  What a patient man.


There you have it.  I once was lost, but now am found.....you get the picture.  2010 was the worst of times.  I'll admit I am still off was off my rocker, and felt the need to save the world.  Posting on Facebook, sporting my Planet Organic re-usable grocery bags, while trying to inform everyone around me of what we were really eating.  You know what? Only a few people cared. One of them was Cat....wait.....Carolyn...I wonder if she still goes by the name Cat?  I guess she'll let me know.  Anyways she writes about food (and other stuff) on her blog Carolyn at Large. and has a way of encouraging readers to open their eyes, where as I generally use terms like unfit parent, or incredibly stupid.  From now on, I'll probably just post links to food articles I enjoy, and leave the writing to others not as jaded.


I've eased off quite a bit....nowhere near as psychotic or obsessive as I was.  Also, coming to the realization that our income is not parallel to my beliefs.  I am trying.  I really am.  I've found a balance that works...... for now.  We try to eat local, and organic when possible. David still bakes our bread and I make the sweets/treats.  We are learning to eat  foods that I can buy local as the seasons change, and are gently guiding the kids on the straight facts of food.  Trying to end this vicious cycle of oblivion.  It's working (thank goodness), and their adult lives will be easier because of it.   I enjoy sites like 100 Days of Real Food which allow families to gradually move in this direction.  While some people can adjust easily, most cannot.  Initially, this process can be time consuming, confusing, and makes you question everything you were ever taught about food.  It can be terrifying,  glorious.....or both :).   Ingredient has to be the best magazine published for children (and possibly adults) ever.  Thinking of getting a subscription this fall as I don't think it's on stands anywhere yet :(.  


The only downside to this post is that I am constantly hungry.  Never really feeling full.  I suppose I could eat more, but that's not it.  I miss bread, milk, pancakes, peanut butter, fruit.....I miss it all.  Not sharing the same meals has put a cramp into dinnertime.  Sometimes I sit at the table with them, but most times I just putter around and clean, trying to distract myself from the delicious meal everyone is enjoying.  So 'NO', I haven't reached the point where I am not resentful that everyone around me is stuffing their faces with absolute goodness. 


cyrogenically frozen in hopes the world becomes a peaceful loving place for all to share with no issues of greed or power :).