How Clean Eating Nearly Made Me Lose My Mind

I knew better, but didn't have the money to do better. 

Uh Oh.

This part was never mentioned in the books.

I know I have to do some upkeep so things don't fall apart...
Looking back, I realize....they already had.

I convinced myself that I had it covered, and just 'fell' of the wagon.
Our family became accustomed to a healthy lifestyle.
I suppose I thought the money would simply come...
To those who truly wanted to change.

What was I thinking?
That sentence above is a good indication of how fragile my mental state was.

I quickly became overwhelmed by information overload.
How would I extract what is useful and helpful to me?
Stumbling upon lots of contradicting information.
These articles weren't telling me to ditch aspartame (we all know this).
All of a sudden, real, wholesome foods were being demonized.
The more I read, the more confusing this all seemed.

Didn't I just write about the miracle of GAPS and the Anti Candida diet?
Were these not supposed to make all poverty and world hunger my problems go away?
Why in the heck was I still depressed if I completely stopped eating sugar?
Did this gut/brain connection not apply to me?
Which way is up?

The growing movement for extreme ways of eating was causing great torment.
Leaders of each dietary religion declared their method to be the ONLY road to optimum health.

Everywhere I turned there were articles on what to eat, and what to avoid.
Dairy will kill you!  Meat will kill you!  Grains will kill you!

This was never easier and I will most likely struggle with food for the rest of my life used to be easier. 

It was now quite difficult.

My relationship with food turned sour.

Why Money Matters When Going Green

You're high on life!
Juicing (and obviously posting photos on Facebook).
Making bone broth, and asking others for kefir grains.
Buying kegs of coconut oil.
Home made laundry detergent and body care products.
Like a sponge.....sucking up every little bit of information you read.
You can do ANYTHING!
The books tell you so.
Your naturopath tells you so.

I'm amazed and inspired too.
It's different, but empowering.
Taking charge of my own health.
This feeling should never end.

Until it does.

The money runs out and you are literally declined from health.

Slowly....those nicely formed healthy habits become memories.
You take a shortcut one night in an effort to save a buck.
The next time you don't pick up that supplement.
Before you know it...
Your fridge and shelves look like an abandoned home on The Walking Dead.
I keep almost empty bottles to reassure myself that it's 'not so bad'.
And take comfort in the fact I can say I 'did it'.

Like waking up from a coma, I remembered the ease in my old ways.
Blinders up, buy anything, saving money.
Ignorance was pure bliss!  

Why would anyone want to live any other way?

Because when you know better, you do better.

Why would I not show myself a tad bit of grace?

I Crashed.....and there's more.

After Three Strikes

Where it all began (for the fourth time)

Yes fourth.
The first (post postpartum depression) I though I'd get through.
This just continued on as good old fashioned depression.
I was medicated, un-medicated.....
Unsure if any of it really worked.

The second....you already know.
Not ' My child is seven and I think he may be on the spectrum'.
And definitely not.....
'We eat at a fast food restaurant three times a week or else he will have a fit.'
I'm talking about making the conscious effort to really make a difference.
Claws out, critical thinking, miracle making.

You enter a parallel universe.
It's like the rest of the world is going on.
You still speak the same language -  pointless chats about the weather, sports, local news.
The rest is different.
Until it's not......and it's better.
Not ideal, but better.
Perfectly imperfect.
You let go, you take on new things, even start to do things you once enjoyed.
Until I was destroyed distracted by an illness that made me literally feel like I was losing my mind.

Five years of confusion, hatred, resentment.
Number three.
Was this supposed to be a blessing in disguise?  Because I was barely breathing.
I could/can not handle Multiple Chemical Sensitivity.
Does it make you clean up your act and live a healthier and safer lifestyle?
Yes.
Will life ever be the same?
No.
You say goodbye to everyone/thing you have ever loved.
Getting rid of material possessions is easy.
Losing loved ones is hard.

So I completely didn't deal with it dealt with that.
Became a crunchy mama.  I actually became a little obsessed.
Shaming people, taking a 'mightier than you' approach.
It's all I had at the time.
I even thought for a second I would sell essential oils.
Multi Level Marketing companies make my skin curl.

A wee bit of light appeared.  I'm going to seize my opportunity.
Leave all of it behind.
The stress, the depression, the anger, the hatred, the fear....all of it.
Not so fast.  Enter number four.

I won't even go into what I was like during this period.
All I will say is that we rely heavily on our our income tax return.
It equips our family for the year.
We maintain some level of health.  This is just how it is.

One day my heart stopped.

I saw the look of David's face as he spoke to the service agent from Revenue Canada.
It was unlike anything I had seen before.
All of it.  Every little bit was used to pay off student loans.
I guess making timely payments was not enough.
How was this happening?

And this, my friends is when my soul deteriorated.
From here on out, I'm not even sure what I've said or done.
It's all a haze.  A very, very bad dream.

My mind festered into the most grotesque thing in my body.

But I'm still here.

Broken

I'm not going to look at the date of my last post.
I know it's been a while. .... too long.
My shame, fear, and avoidance have kept me from venting, which is the one thing that helps.
Last year I said this year would be better.
I was wrong.
I couldn't be more wrong.
How did I end up here?

Are You Still Out There?

Apparently, I've had a complete change in my protocol and did not tell you about it.  What was I doing you ask?  Since September I was ~

Wallowing in self pity (again)
Eating everything that isn't nailed down
Gaining weight
Feeling unsure of every decision I make for Xavier
Trying to do frivolous stuff so I can avoid the most important things
Not falling asleep because I usually don't accomplish my goals (this hurts)

You already know my immediate joy upon the point at which I thought my life was going to be the greatest. (anti-candida protocol) Which after a year was followed by despair, and the realization that I basically spent the rest of our money for the year, and now had Diflucan and Nystatin resistant yeast. What Doesn't Kill them Makes Them Stronger.

Now what?

I'm broke, over run by yeast on crack......not having bowel movements for weeks at a time, and moving between the worlds of giving up completely and just living the rest of my life sick, with sick kids, in a sick world.  And sometimes, when I felt better, I would make vows to myself about the things I could change in an effort to obtain supreme well being.

In September I saw a professional again.  This time with no expectations.  I just needed more answers....better answers.  I'll admit,  nailing down the cause of me staying in my home for over 2 years was a pretty big deal at the time, but that passed, and I began sitting next to people again.  I needed more this time.  As I write this, I still need more.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I want the diabetes-insulin method.  You have something, here is what you need to make it go away complete with MSI coverage, clinics, support from the community and friends etc.   I don't want diabetes, but you get the drift.

My new protocol consists of:
Hot water, lemon in Cayenne first thing in the morning.
Pau D'arco all day.
Candida IF after supper, which is basically benonite clay, and flax seed.

I had joked around saying that I wish there was something I could take to just seal the holes in my gut.  Well this is it.  I should probably be on the Paleo diet, although I will go through the beginning stages of GAPS with X so I can gauge how he feels.  Plus I need to drop a lot of weight and a sugar free (including fruit) detox is probably what I need to get a head start on the yeast that have all but eaten away at my face.  I get very very angry when people talk about a sugar free diet, or detox.  You have no fucking idea what sugar free really is until you have been on the strict version of the Anti Candida diet.

So that's that.  I know you are out there.  Succeeding...not succeeding.....reading this blog in tears or laughter.  Whatever stage you are at, or where ever you are today....just begin.

Living the Dream

I don't think I can write when I am happy.  Is this strange?  I'll try to swallow back the tears as I share my thoughts on our trip to Greenville South Carolina.  Can you believe I was contemplating NOT travelling with David?  Six weeks is far too long for me to be alone with my own children.  I'll keep the details short as i can feel my chest becoming heavy.  First of all, Americans have it ninety thousand times more easier than anyone else on this earth......well maybe not mother's in France, and I'm only referring to those with health insurance.  Everyone else is probably dying in a hospital corridor right now.  And this wouldn't be a narcissistic post by me, if I wasn't using my great analogical skills to base all of this on our family's circumstances.

I'm only going to name three stores.  Whole Foods, Earth Fare, and Trader Joe's.  These three places alone, give me sanity.  Could you imagine needing toothpaste and actually driving for five minutes to purchase it?  This covered everything we place in/on our bodies.  I'm not going to even get into the cost of living.  We could afford a home if we moved here, and the price of clothing is ridonculous.  You don't even need to wait for a sale!  I mean, sure there's the whole part about people that look like our family does, and clothing geared toward women not throwing their food up in baggies then hiding them in a closet.   Affordable sports with professional coaches, oh dear.....I must simply swap these woes and begin life in the present.  We are here.  We are not in South Carolina. Learn to deal.  

The Results Are In

...Rashawn, you are NOT the father. If you are reading this, and are interested, you probably already know this stuff, and are shaking your head wondering why I'm just beginning????  

Hopefully my last appointment.

Applied Kinesiology

Will it all make sense now?

I loaded up a Boot box full of every supplement I had purchased.  When I saw them all shoved in the box, I just saw $$$$.  

So much trial and error without knowing if what I was doing was even correct.  I tried, I really did....or at least I thought I did.  

So the results were pretty great.  

We already had 7 of them and only needed to purchase three.

CytoFlora 
Magnesium Sulfate Cream 
Max Stress B - This tested extremely well
Pure Encapsulations B12 Liquid
Nutra Sea +D
CoQ10 - 100-120 mg daily
Colostrum Powder
Mineral Ascorbate - Avive Naturals
Whey Protein 4 times a week  - We got this from Signature Supplements without any gross additives, and at a fraction of the regular cost.
Flaxseed Oil

There you have it.  The GAPS Diet, along with the above supplements and peace of mind.  I cannot tell you how much relief I have now that I know I am not wasting money.  Not to say this isn't going to be costly or a complete pain in the ass :).  This is the only time I think I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience of a restricted diet.  It makes GAPS seem like a walk in the park.  The only difference is that I could go hungry if nothing was prepared.....X cannot.  Initially I will be in overdrive trying to stay ahead and make sure he always has snacks, and breakfasts.  He is such a great kid....asking me if he was still allowed to drink water on this diet!  Never protesting and fully understanding it is all to benefit his health.  I am going into this chapter much more happier and curious, instead of bitter, and resentful.  {Wish us luck}

Getting it Right (This Time)

Preparing meals to suit people on a Gluten Free Anti Candida Specific Carbohydrate Diet GAPS Diet has it's challenges.  Oh wait...I forgot to tell you about the new diet.  

And no...I will definitely complain every chance I get am not going to spend months complaining about the effort and associated costs.  I tried this before and it didn't work.

We finally got to see Heidi Ship.  I suppose this would all make sense if I updated more, and mentioned the professionals X has been seeing since we parted ways with Dr. LaValley.  

Wait...hold up...parted?  Well 'ran out of money' would be more accurate. 

Besides.... I spent so much time bitching and whining on this blog that before I knew it, 8 months had passed and it was time for me to rejoin society and start binge eating eating again.   

More on this later.....and one more thing.  I really need to start giving myself more credit and stop putting so much faith in everyone else.  

Yes, the people I credit for X's health are fantastic, but they are not everything.  

I matter.  My decisions and actions count.  

The first time I felt like real support just fell into my lap was last year!  

So Dr. Chernin was our first stop.. I am not going to go into detail about the what's, how's or why's.  She facilitates the emergence, maturation, and integration process of his primary reflex motor patterns, otherwise practiced as the Masgutova Method. 

Great fit, results, gains, always leave feeling like I had grown as a parent, wife, woman.....general motivated individual. 

Let's move on. 

Dr. Chernin suggested we visit Heather MacAuley (former owner of Burnside Physio) for manipulative therapy.  She called me at home....we spoke for almost two hours.  This woman gets it.  I was willing to pay just to meet her in person!  

So we had our visit (just one) 'ya hurd me....ONE appointment.  Continuing on the yellow brick road we ventured into the office of Brian Sutherland for some Craniosacral work.  I believe we saw him four times.  I'm actually going for treatments myself as I had witnessed X's transformation after just two sessions.  Again, he is brilliant and gets the job done.  The last stop is to visit Oz  (also known as Heidi Ship) to have all questions answered.

Clean Sweep

Soooooo....look who came crawling back to Blogger after months of storing topics in her head, and making empty promises of writing.  

Do you know that I love writing?  Wouldn't think so, but I do.  

A month ago I told myself that I would, at the very least, write about the facts, and topics that came effortless to discuss.  

Then what?  Nothing.  I actually waste an insane amount of time thinking.  

Want to know something else?  I'm done.  Here is a list of the things I am done with:

Thinking about how bad things are

Worrying about money

Supplements and the lack thereof

This diet

Any treatment that does not address underlying conditions

Chemical Sensitivity

Resentment and Anger

Not to shabby for one moment of clarity eh?  I'm kind of going to pretend this stuff never existed in my life and sweep in under the rug.

Don't worry.....I kept my sense of humor, but I'm unloading some baggage before 2012. 

Oh....and I've been grateful and less pessimistic lately.....

And no, I did not accept Jesus Christ as my savior or anything over the holidays.  Just embracing the present.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

I peed myself today. 

This hasn't happened in a long time.  

Laughing so hard you pee yourself is the best/worst feeling.  

The feeling after you have the best laugh/cry is amazing!

For those who haven't experienced this...I suggest you do.    

If you find someone that can make you laugh like this....keep them.  

Every night and every day David and I keep each other in stitches.  

A few months back we spontaneously acted out a skit (something you would see on Mad TV) about how easy it would be to conceive a child with either of us.  

He was the inseminator, and I was Queen Bee.  Anyway, I won't go into the details of how/why we even thought of it, as the point was that laughter filled every space in that room.  

Today was no different.

I woke up briefly at 2:25, 3:04, 4:14, 5:12, 5:15, 5:30,  at 6:30....stumbled out of bed and walked upstairs.  

I saw the space heater we recently purchased for 29.99 at Giant Tiger, on the floor plugged in to an extension cord.  

It's too early to figure out why it was there, and where that ex. cord came from???  

Instead of starting the morning routine, I just stood there wondering. 

And then it hit me.  

David has a broken air vent in his 2008 98 Topaz, so he used the plug outside the house duplex, and warmed up his car. 

Remember that previous post when I was acting all uppity?  

Guess who's eating humble pie now?  

Enter uncontrollable howling.... tears.... bent over with stomach pain... banging into the walls laughter.....and this is when I peed myself.

It's all fun and games until you realize that you threw everything in the washing machine but didn't start the cycle.... and get a whiff of 7 hour old urine.  

This is not so funny.  

Goodbye Hilden, Hello Bible Hill

We've moved !!!!!!!! 

To a deluxe apartment in the sky a three bedroom duplex?  

That's right, you heard me......three bedrooms!  

Don't get ahead of yourself, you haven't seen the photos yet.  

It's not high end or anything, just has three bedrooms, and lots of storage.   

It feels like I just shared the same news a year ago.

Oh that's right, I did say we moved 12 months ago, and didn't let one post go by where I didn't make reference to that moldy, musty basement. 

Well we've still got a damp basement (where we sleep), and have a room where the kids play games while sitting on my beloved Walmart computer chair, a broken rocking chair, and one of those spectator fold up chairs until we can afford a futon rec room.

While there are kids on the street for the kids to play with, they are not the most desirable. 

Listen to me acting all uppity, like my Acadia University hat with holes in it gives me the right to snub others on this street. 

Our slumlord landlord thinks he knows everything and is charge of the repairs around these units.  

We have a lot of spots where the floor just turn into a ramp.  

They really cheaped out with the lighting in here.  

Every room is accented with  fixtures that look like this but older, uglier, dirtier, and rustier.

I had big plans to find the most amazing dresser on Kijiji for $20, spray paint it to match the bed I would have already spray painted, and give Nadia the room she deserves. 

For now, we're content that she's off the floor and in the bed I purchased for $30.  I still don't have curtains up in her room, or the rec room.....or the kitchen.......

Holy shit, I really need to work on the window treatments around here.   Also, now that I think of it.....maybe we aren't much different from the people on this street :).

What's Up With Food?

  

Food. 

My nemesis.  

It is continually associated with fear, money, weight or time.  

Where do I begin?  

Alright.  On a positive note, I really enjoy baking, and don't completely hate preparing meals anymore. 

Over the past three years something changed radically.  

Again, this was in conjunction with X's health, my protocol, and the goal to get this family on the 'Whole Foods' train as fast as possible.  

I've come a long way.......a really long way.  

You know about my childhood, my twisted eating habits....but to add a bit of humor to this post, I will share with you, some of the delectable dishes I made in my humble beginnings.

I used to use take these processed pressed frozen chicken breasts things, throw them in a baking dish...

Pour a bottle of this sauce......

Bake and serve over white minute rice.  

No marinating, no spices, no nothing. 

Just the sauce and some questionable meat.  

I thought my culinary skills were superb and even varied my nightly delights by doing the exact same thing with VH1 Pineapple Sauce. 

For a special occasion, I might place a roast (again in my baking dish).....Pour a bottle of Seedless Raspberry Jam over it (no seasonings, no searing, nothing)....and bake.  

I wanted to go all out with my sides so I would take a bag of hash browns...add a tub of sour cream, and 3 cups of cheese.....oh, and bake. 

I was so proud of myself because I switched my technique to 'adding', instead of 'pouring'.  I knew I was going far now :).  

Boy oh boy, I had that oven on overdrive! 

I can only imagine the facial expressions on the lucky people I was feeding.  

They were probably wondering why I decided to use the total allotment of dairy for a year, in one meal???

The 'cream of' Campbell's soups were also a big staple in every meal other than the ones I just wrote about our apartment.  1 can, whatever meat, minute rice, and some vegetables.  

n the years to follow, David let me know that he didn't have the heart to tell me how bad things were.  He said I was just so darn proud of these dishes/myself, that he could not burst my bubble.  What a patient man.

There you have it.  I once was lost, but now am found.....you get the picture. 

 2010 was the worst of times.  

I'll admit I am still off was off my rocker, and felt the need to save the world.  

Posting on Facebook, sporting my Planet Organic re-usable grocery bags, while trying to inform everyone around me of what we were really eating.  

You know what? Only a few people cared. One of them was Cat....wait.....Carolyn...I wonder if she still goes by the name Cat?  I guess she'll let me know.

Anyways she writes about food (and other stuff) on her blog Carolyn at Large. and has a way of encouraging readers to open their eyes, where as I generally use terms like unfit parent, or incredibly stupid.  

I've eased off quite a bit....nowhere near as psychotic or obsessive as I was.

Also, coming to the realization that our income is not parallel to my beliefs.  

I am trying.  I really am.  

I've found a balance that works...... for now. 

We try to eat local, and organic when possible. David still bakes our bread and I make the sweets/treats.  

We are learning to eat  foods that I can buy local as the seasons change, and are gently guiding the kids on the straight facts of food.  

Trying to end this vicious cycle of oblivion.  It's working (thank goodness), and their adult lives will be easier because of it.   

I enjoy sites like 100 Days of Real Food which allow families to gradually move in this direction.  

While some people can adjust easily, most cannot.  Initially, this process can be time consuming, confusing, and makes you question everything you were ever taught about food.  It can be terrifying, glorious.....or both :).   

The only downside to this post is that I am constantly hungry.  

Never really feeling full.  

I suppose I could eat more, but that's not it. 

I miss bread, milk, pancakes, peanut butter, fruit.....I miss it all.  Not sharing the same meals has put a cramp into dinnertime.  

Sometimes I sit at the table with them, but most times I just putter around and clean, trying to distract myself from the delicious meal everyone is enjoying.  

So 'no', I haven't reached the point where I am not resentful that everyone around me is stuffing their faces with absolute goodness. 

What's Up With My DNRS Recovery?

It's been a while since I shared anything, even though I had initially thought I would use this spot to document my recovery process. 

It's strange how quickly things can shift/change once we begin applying this program into our daily lives.  

I am very proud of the growth that has taken place within me......even more than the changes I was anticipating......like leaving my apartment, washing my hands in a public washroom....you know... those things we all find so difficult ;).
   
So what's been going on?  

Well I  became hung up on the rules, length of the exercise, duration, time of day etc.....

While still holding my secret competition with each of the participants in the program (even though Annie continually says not to do this).  

Also, I felt as if I didn't deserve to have another thing added to my plate.  

It's very difficult for me to be grateful of changes based on conditions I didn't think I should have in the first place....and then I started resenting the day 1 miracle participants.  

In came the POP's (pathways of the past)....  I crashed.  

There is no other word to describe it. 

Anxiety increased over the money I spent.

Fear crept in slowly until I was a mad woman.  

So I stopped everything, stepped back, and re-evaluated my process..... 

and then Annie's process.  

I know this works.  

I know it worked for Annie.

I know it worked for Sharon.

Who it wasn't working for was me.  

Not because it was wrong, or I was wrong....it just wasn't mine.  

It's like there are crucial components to this program, similar to the foundation of a home, it's structure, or a roof.  

For me, the process felt like a brand new home I moved into but let someone else decorate.  
I liked the layout, landscaping, the kitchen, but always felt like I was living in someone else's house.  

Since June 12, I just spent so much time thinking changes weren't happening..... the changes had already happened.

I just don't fucking care anymore.  I am sorry for using that word, but it is integral to that statement.  

There were definitely some components I had not prepared myself for after leaving on that beautiful Sunday afternoon.  

I was so scared to think about anything else because I might 'fall off the wagon', or lose those feelings I never experienced those feelings everyone was talking about.    

So after 2 weeks of nothing, that's right....nothing, a new plan was evolving....and without my knowledge. 

One that didn't involve me thinking, or planning, or fearing.  It just was. 

I can't describe this connection with myself using words.  

I don't care where I am, where I go, who is around me...I just don't care. 

Yesterday I was at Walmart for 2 hours, and then my husband got called into work so we drove to my mom's in New Glasgow (have always been fearful of this spot), where I didn't care some more.  

Some people have the ability to properly adjust/control their thought process.  I am not one of them. 

I mean, I can do it, but it feels like taking a class in Calculus.  

For me to get to a point at which good things can take place, I have to shut down in a number of different areas.  At first, I seen this as a bad thing....it's not.  It's just different.  

This itself is a big gain (personal).

I learned to breathe, adapt, and focus on something else besides winning this secret race.   

Quite a bit of things have become new habits (not because I knowingly tried to change), they just formed on their own. 

And we all know that new habits are cool....well as long as one of them isn't smoking crack. 

All in all things are pretty neat, and if they aren't....I just don't f**king care.    

What's up With My Weight?

Well well well....look who is finally under 200lbs.

199.5 (at the perfect time of day), but I don't care...it's a milestone.  

The last time I was this weight, was before I was pregnant with X.

Did you ever notice how people describe other overweight people?  

They judge by increments of 50 lbs.

"Holy shit! Did you see that lady?  She must have weighed 300lbs!"

"My God, he was at least 250lbs!"

"After the birth of her second baby she was tipping the scales at 200lbs!"

Twenty pounds lighter and I would be the weight I was when I met David. 

Before you get ahead of yourself and think, "Holy shit...this girls gonna have a smokin' hot body (for those of you that adore a Jordin Sparks type body), both before and after her recent weight loss.

Let me inform you that my body just isn't the same.  

It has morphed and shifted so much over the past decade.

My breasts are droopy and exhausted from being ballooned out, and then deflated so they might supply milk for my three children.

Losing weight in the tummy area is confusing and I still resemble a victim  attacked by a wolf (stretchmarks).  

I never really got hung up on these beauties.  

They come with the territory, and as long as I have no desire to flaunt this area, it's like 'out of sight, out of mind'.  

David thinks they are sexy??? 

Probably some strange fetish he's picked up online or something :).  

He says they remind him of three amazing children, and says my body has provided their home, nutrients, food supply, warmth.....and how could you not find this incredibly beautiful?  

I guess it's a husband/wife thing, and I am very fortunate to have a couple of things on my body that I don't have to feel self conscious about.

So I can still be described with great disgust in any given conversation, but I really didn't try to lose weight, I just ended up eating foods that do not cause weight gain must say that I like getting rid of some fat. 

I can play Frisbee, and see my feet....I even saw a vein in my right foot, like athletes have.

What I don't like is loose excess skin, and a frail gaunt face.  

This could be me. 

After spending 2 weeks worrying, David asked me what exactly would I be wearing that would allow everyone to see these 'so called' imperfections???  

He has a point.  

Even if I was thin, my style has never been/ nor will be, mid drift tops and daisy dukes.  

I am accepting what I have to work with and making the best of  it.

Accepting that weight has come off faster than anticipated, and I spent the first month or so very weak so I was unable to tone and build muscle.  That's it.  

There's nothing I could have done (the diet was inevitable, and so was the fatigue that followed).

I continue to put things off....rarely being able to pour myself into more than two things at a time. 

My 2 Maxi dresses have helped a lot.  

I really like the areas beneath my chin/above my breasts, and the flow/length just covers everything else.  

They make me feel whimsical. 

You just throw one on and 'forget about it' (Italian accent).  

Uh oh.....I just thought about something. 

Is this just an excuse to wear a long nightgown?  

And why in the heck has this weight thing been with me like a favorite blanket since......forever?  

Before questionable mental well being, before children....it was weight.  

I really wish I was put in one of those groups for tweens that promotes positive self esteem, body image, empowerment etc. 

This might have helped....but ultimately, I did too many things alone....including developing a distorted association with food.  

The first time I was told I was fat was in grade 5 or 6, by one of my mom's boyfriends.  He said I was fat just like her. She laughed it off, and said I wasn't.  

At that time, I didn't know that I wasn't overweight, but that one sentence set some wheels in motion.  

I had full control over snacks, breakfast, and lunch (often dinner too).  No child will choose a healthy option, especially if one wasn't readily available in the home.  

I didn't even know what healthy eating was.  I knew I was hungry, and lonely.  Not hungry like a homeless child, but hungry enough not be satisfied by 1 box of Kraft Dinner, so I would just add more....or eat toast....or buy chips and pop on the way back to school.  

I always liked eating at my friend Colleen's. 

Dinner was at the same time every day, and everything was portioned.  Her mom had full control over the food in this house.  

At first it seemed obsessive, but now I understand she was trying to establish some healthy eating patterns.  

I liked that everyone gathered around a table and shared things about their day.  

I even liked the clean up.  

It was always sad returning home.