Often times I am my biggest critic. Not thinking about the success I have had. Yesterday I took Xavier to see 'the Doctor' I'm calling Dr.La Valley 'the Doctor' as if there are no other doctors on the planet because that's what he means to our family. The idea was for the Doctor to help Xavier in the same way he has helped me (underlying conditions). Once again, I am amazed by his insight....feeling like an inbred cave woman who has never read a book. I'm not going to discuss it until I work the details out...and by details I mean money and time. I was complimented on the job that I have done getting Xavier to the point he is so far (considering I live in Canada and only thought outside the box 4 years ago). He was impressed by Xavier's academic achievement and his willingness to play sports, and carry on a meaningful conversation. Then he mentioned that Xavier is like the 'after'...meaning most children he sees are far worse and are hoping to get to the point we are right now. I thought about this on the drive home. Xavier continues to push the limits and we are doing the best we can given our circumstances. I should feel some sense of peace, relief, or at the very least, less anxious. I don't...I mean I do a bit more than last year, but I haven't reached the point where I can just let it all go...not just yet. This is part of a message I wrote to Ashley (soon to be author, who documents everything on her blog Hidden Recovery. She has been a grounded support over the past few years.
I don't know where I stand on Xavier's growth. I'm still always thinking about the next big thing...really wishing I had caught on to the food part earlier. Being present, and awake in the early years would have helped. Ironically, at the time when you have to make big decisions, you are typically plagued with fear, guilt, and financial stress at the same time. Surprisingly, even though I've been sick, Xavier has been holding his own. Sometimes this is good for kids. He had far more support from me in his previous years, and this is the first time I had to rely on him to actually be the 'big brother'. All in all, as I hear/read horror stories, I am grateful for the gains he has made. I'm kind of past feeling guilty that I couldn't do what you did for Leo. Just stepping back and re-evaluating things that I want for Xavier vs. things that don't even matter to him. Xavier likes having friends, but he will most likely never be the 'life' of the party....And this is okay. This morning at 10:17, I am okay with it all. I'm okay with the mistakes I have made, and the relaxed stance I need to take in order to regain consciousness. Just watch for a post in a week when I am freaking out and wondering what ever made me write such a thing!