Are You Still Out There?

Apparently, I've had a complete change in my protocol and did not tell you about it.  What was I doing you ask?  Since September I was ~

Wallowing in self pity (again)
Eating everything that isn't nailed down
Gaining weight
Feeling unsure of every decision I make for Xavier
Trying to do frivolous stuff so I can avoid the most important things
Not falling asleep because I usually don't accomplish my goals (this hurts)

You already know my immediate joy upon the point at which I thought my life was going to be the greatest. (anti-candida protocol) Which after a year was followed by despair, and the realization that I basically spent the rest of our money for the year, and now had Diflucan and Nystatin resistant yeast. What Doesn't Kill them Makes Them Stronger.

Now what?

I'm broke, over run by yeast on crack......not having bowel movements for weeks at a time, and moving between the worlds of giving up completely and just living the rest of my life sick, with sick kids, in a sick world.  And sometimes, when I felt better, I would make vows to myself about the things I could change in an effort to obtain supreme well being.

In September I saw a professional again.  This time with no expectations.  I just needed more answers....better answers.  I'll admit,  nailing down the cause of me staying in my home for over 2 years was a pretty big deal at the time, but that passed, and I began sitting next to people again.  I needed more this time.  As I write this, I still need more.  It shouldn't be this hard.  I want the diabetes-insulin method.  You have something, here is what you need to make it go away complete with MSI coverage, clinics, support from the community and friends etc.   I don't want diabetes, but you get the drift.

My new protocol consists of:
Hot water, lemon in Cayenne first thing in the morning.
Pau D'arco all day.
Candida IF after supper, which is basically benonite clay, and flax seed.

I had joked around saying that I wish there was something I could take to just seal the holes in my gut.  Well this is it.  I should probably be on the Paleo diet, although I will go through the beginning stages of GAPS with X so I can gauge how he feels.  Plus I need to drop a lot of weight and a sugar free (including fruit) detox is probably what I need to get a head start on the yeast that have all but eaten away at my face.  I get very very angry when people talk about a sugar free diet, or detox.  You have no fucking idea what sugar free really is until you have been on the strict version of the Anti Candida diet.

So that's that.  I know you are out there.  Succeeding...not succeeding.....reading this blog in tears or laughter.  Whatever stage you are at, or where ever you are today....just begin.