After Three Strikes

Where it all began (for the fourth time)

Yes fourth.
The first (post postpartum depression) I though I'd get through.
This just continued on as good old fashioned depression.
I was medicated, un-medicated.....
Unsure if any of it really worked.

The second....you already know.
Not ' My child is seven and I think he may be on the spectrum'.
And definitely not.....
'We eat at a fast food restaurant three times a week or else he will have a fit.'
I'm talking about making the conscious effort to really make a difference.
Claws out, critical thinking, miracle making.

You enter a parallel universe.
It's like the rest of the world is going on.
You still speak the same language -  pointless chats about the weather, sports, local news.
The rest is different.
Until it's not......and it's better.
Not ideal, but better.
Perfectly imperfect.
You let go, you take on new things, even start to do things you once enjoyed.
Until I was destroyed distracted by an illness that made me literally feel like I was losing my mind.

Five years of confusion, hatred, resentment.
Number three.
Was this supposed to be a blessing in disguise?  Because I was barely breathing.
I could/can not handle Multiple Chemical Sensitivity.
Does it make you clean up your act and live a healthier and safer lifestyle?
Yes.
Will life ever be the same?
No.
You say goodbye to everyone/thing you have ever loved.
Getting rid of material possessions is easy.
Losing loved ones is hard.

So I completely didn't deal with it dealt with that.
Became a crunchy mama.  I actually became a little obsessed.
Shaming people, taking a 'mightier than you' approach.
It's all I had at the time.
I even thought for a second I would sell essential oils.
Multi Level Marketing companies make my skin curl.

A wee bit of light appeared.  I'm going to seize my opportunity.
Leave all of it behind.
The stress, the depression, the anger, the hatred, the fear....all of it.
Not so fast.  Enter number four.

I won't even go into what I was like during this period.
All I will say is that we rely heavily on our our income tax return.
It equips our family for the year.
We maintain some level of health.  This is just how it is.

One day my heart stopped.

I saw the look of David's face as he spoke to the service agent from Revenue Canada.
It was unlike anything I had seen before.
All of it.  Every little bit was used to pay off student loans.
I guess making timely payments was not enough.
How was this happening?

And this, my friends is when my soul deteriorated.
From here on out, I'm not even sure what I've said or done.
It's all a haze.  A very, very bad dream.

My mind festered into the most grotesque thing in my body.

But I'm still here.