Everything's Going To Be Alright

I am torn in a million different directions these days. 

So many that I don't know what to think...or feel....or find the time to think and feel.  

I can barely breath with thoughts of activism, and outrage, compassion, and balance rolling around upstairs.  

I've been experiencing some days with clarity, and with that comes a flood of suppressed emotions, and ideas.  

Almost as if they had been held captive for so long and are bursting with anticipation to break free.  

So what in the heck do I do with all this?  

Well, I know I should write more. 

Instead of doing one thing at a time, I do twenty.  

This is usually unavoidable, so there goes that 'take it one day at a time' theory.  

I find myself sleeping less as my brain is on overdrive...still plugging away on those books, and getting back to properly taking care of X.

I did a craft with Nadia (score) even though the glue and construction paper nearly destroyed me.

Other highlights include getting a peek of her at gymnastics class, taking Sebastian to a Regional Spelling Bee, a fun-run, and getting materials on Free Comic Book Day.  

I should be very proud of myself for taking part in these 'outside of my home' activities yet still I am plagued with remorse, guilt, and fear, while second guessing each and every decision I make.

This all came to the forefront on Friday when I thought we had totally missed our appointment with Dr. Chernin.  

We arrived 6 minutes late to her practice and I thought the door was locked (it was really jammed), but I went into hysterics.  

Racing to the Nu Body's next door and asking for help.....what did I actually think they could help me with?  Bashing in the door?  

The only thing the front desk employee was going to assist me with is filling out a membership application.  

I fled the gym screaming and yelling at the kids, dragging them around the block looking for another entrance.  

There wasn't another entrance.  

Eventually the door was open the entire time opened and I rushed to the receptionist who had told me she was just preparing my invoice.  

She told me to have a seat, so I thought Dr. Chernin had take another patient and that we would just slip in when she had finished. 

I NEED the full hour. 

I know there is no way I am coherent enough to fully grasp what she is about to teach me in anything less.  

By now I could only think of the gas I had wasted, how much extra brain power I would need to use to get us home safely, and the $200 bill I would have to pay for a service I didn't receive.  

I didn't even ask for clarification from the lady who was probably abut to call security receptionist, I just started to cry. 

I collapsed (really just sat down) in my chair, and felt everything move south.  

It felt as if my soul, lungs, and heart sank to my ankles.  

The kids had worried looks on their faces, but I couldn't control it....and the tears continued.  

Dr. Chernin called X's name as a man quickly shuffled out of her room.  

Was I late?  Was she running behind? 

"YES!!!!!!"  I wanted to shout, but I didn't. 

I knew that I really needed to work on some issues.  

We were shown respect, and compassion.....two qualities I have grown not to expect from physicians.  

She was completely caring, thorough, and kind....and funny.   

Two more things. 

1.Sorry to the girl whose appointment was after ours.  She had obviously been waiting for a looooong time, and had the receptionist call in twice.  But she was young, thin, and childless. 

2. I wrote this entire post once already and blogger didn't save it.....grrrr.  It was probably more accurate, with less grammatical errors the first time.