What's Up With My DNRS Recovery?

It's been a while since I shared anything, even though I had initially thought I would use this spot to document my recovery process. 

It's strange how quickly things can shift/change once we begin applying this program into our daily lives.  

I am very proud of the growth that has taken place within me......even more than the changes I was anticipating......like leaving my apartment, washing my hands in a public washroom....you know... those things we all find so difficult ;).
   
So what's been going on?  

Well I  became hung up on the rules, length of the exercise, duration, time of day etc.....

While still holding my secret competition with each of the participants in the program (even though Annie continually says not to do this).  

Also, I felt as if I didn't deserve to have another thing added to my plate.  

It's very difficult for me to be grateful of changes based on conditions I didn't think I should have in the first place....and then I started resenting the day 1 miracle participants.  

In came the POP's (pathways of the past)....  I crashed.  

There is no other word to describe it. 

Anxiety increased over the money I spent.

Fear crept in slowly until I was a mad woman.  

So I stopped everything, stepped back, and re-evaluated my process..... 

and then Annie's process.  

I know this works.  

I know it worked for Annie.

I know it worked for Sharon.

Who it wasn't working for was me.  

Not because it was wrong, or I was wrong....it just wasn't mine.  

It's like there are crucial components to this program, similar to the foundation of a home, it's structure, or a roof.  

For me, the process felt like a brand new home I moved into but let someone else decorate.  
I liked the layout, landscaping, the kitchen, but always felt like I was living in someone else's house.  

Since June 12, I just spent so much time thinking changes weren't happening..... the changes had already happened.

I just don't fucking care anymore.  I am sorry for using that word, but it is integral to that statement.  

There were definitely some components I had not prepared myself for after leaving on that beautiful Sunday afternoon.  

I was so scared to think about anything else because I might 'fall off the wagon', or lose those feelings I never experienced those feelings everyone was talking about.    

So after 2 weeks of nothing, that's right....nothing, a new plan was evolving....and without my knowledge. 

One that didn't involve me thinking, or planning, or fearing.  It just was. 

I can't describe this connection with myself using words.  

I don't care where I am, where I go, who is around me...I just don't care. 

Yesterday I was at Walmart for 2 hours, and then my husband got called into work so we drove to my mom's in New Glasgow (have always been fearful of this spot), where I didn't care some more.  

Some people have the ability to properly adjust/control their thought process.  I am not one of them. 

I mean, I can do it, but it feels like taking a class in Calculus.  

For me to get to a point at which good things can take place, I have to shut down in a number of different areas.  At first, I seen this as a bad thing....it's not.  It's just different.  

This itself is a big gain (personal).

I learned to breathe, adapt, and focus on something else besides winning this secret race.   

Quite a bit of things have become new habits (not because I knowingly tried to change), they just formed on their own. 

And we all know that new habits are cool....well as long as one of them isn't smoking crack. 

All in all things are pretty neat, and if they aren't....I just don't f**king care.